This is the beginning of a novelette I wrote a while ago, and since I have no idea what to do with it, I decided I'd post it and see what the feedback is. It started out as an entry for a short story competition and then grew into a 13,000-word story that I'm quite stuck with.
I know the beginning is rather clichéd, as well as some of the names (I'm planning on changing those), but I'd like all of your thoughts on it! Thanks for reading! 
Icefire - part one
Queen Saron, ruler of the land Fiamal, watched impassively as her troops sent their enemies retreating. The hot afternoon sun felt good; it gave her power. She ignored the approaching general as he hesitantly came forward, wondering what sort of mood his queen was in.
“Your Highness,” he said. An imperceptible twitch of her finger was all the acknowledgement he received. He continued on. “We have successfully made them retreat.”
A small snort emanated from the queen. “I can see that,” she said in a condescending tone.
“Of course,” the general said, inclining his head deferentially. “Would you like us to call the troops back or—”
“I will tell you what to do, General,” the queen said in a deceptively quiet voice. “And I say follow them. Do not leave any of them alive.”
The general bowed and hurried away, leaving the queen standing alone on the cliffside overlooking the battlefield. A slow smile crept over her face, her bright red lips parting in a malevolent grin as she rested her eyes upon the distant range of mountains that separated Fiamal from Tjaele, the frozen iceland that her enemy inhabited.
Navé.
~~~~~
Queen Navé, ruler of Tjaele, paced up and down in her throne room as she waited for her reconnaissance master to come. The tall, pale man came hurriedly and yet regally up to her.
“Yes, Your Highness,” he said, making his obeisance. The queen impatiently urged him to straighten.
“Vergal, I want you to retrieve the Gem from Sothil,” she said without preamble.
“So I am correct in deducing that the ambassadors failed in their mission to bargain for the Gem?” Vergal said, eyeing her shrewdly.
“Yes,” Navé replied briskly. “She would have none of it, and even made a pretence that it does not exist. Of course, my ambassadors are not the best at discerning the veracity of a person’s statements. That is why I am sending you. I want you to get that Gem, even though it is without the queen’s approval.”
Vergal blanched, if that was at all possible, and stammered, “B-but your Highness, the Queen Jade—”
“I don’t care what Queen Jade will do,” Navé said sternly. “You will obtain it by any means necessary.”
“You mean,” Vergal muttered, with what was almost a gulp, “I must steal the Gem from Sothil?”
“If it comes to that, yes.”
Vergal shook his head. “She will suspect, and I doubt she will even let me enter her gates,” he said ruefully. “I have done work with her before, and even if I were to go unannounced, I am sure to stick out due to my skin’s hue, and she would instantly recognize me from any descriptions.”
Navé looked at her extremely pale spy and reluctantly agreed that he had a point. “Do we not have another spy who is not so…white?” she asked. “And who has preferably never set foot in Sothil, so as not to raise as much suspicion.”
Vergal hesitated. “There is one,” he started. “He was born in the southern part of Tjaele, closer to Fiamal. His skin is of a slightly darker hue than ours. He would not stand out in the Sothilian crowds as much.”
“Then send him,” the queen said.
“Your Highness, there is one small problem.”
“And that is?”
“He is but a lad of sixteen.”
End of chapter
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139,429 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
Hey Ranger! Happy review day! I'm here to raid your portfoli- review your work.
She said something in a particular way and then she did something.
Okay, that may not make much sense... The thing that stuck out to me most about this was that everything that is spoke seems to come attatched to either an adverb, or an action, or both. It's a little like watching a conversation on tv where the camera just switches between peoples heads. Description is good, but you should expand your scope a little. Don't just explain what the characters are doing while they speak, but thing about what is catching their eye, or what's around them. Do any other thoughts cross their mind while they're having these conversations?
Positives
That's all I can think of to critisize. The beginning doesn't seem too cliche from my point of view. There are only so many ways one can begin a story. I think it's a fantastic opening, and definately makes me want to read more. I don't think this really needs to be edited much as far as plot is concerned.
Also, I don't really understand some of the words you've put into this, but the variation of language you use, and the voice with which the story is spoken, keeps it interesting.
Good work
On to chapter two.
Hey. I'm KitxKat, or Kat, as Im trying to make myself known, and I shall be your reviewer.
Well, because I suck at grammar I'm not going to give you that type of advice, but rather a potential buyer of your story.
I really liked this the transitions were nicely done and I could start to decipher the characters personalities and what's happening in the world. My only complaint is that you do not make it very clear on who certain queens are and their geographical relation to each other. I'm sure it'll be explained later. But you could save yourself some explaining if you just barely clarify it now. But I did enjoy this story and I don't think it was a waste of my time to read, like a lot of the stories on this site are for me.
BRAVO
Really really good, love youre dialogues, theyre clean and sophisticated
I like the story, but there are lots of grammar errors. If you fix those, it will be even better!!!
Well... I guess that most the things I would have said have been completely stolen from my mouth... both critiques and compliments. Great story, just go over what the others have said and you'll do fine. PM me when you finish the next one. Or if you just want to PM me, that's fine too. (By the way, LOVE the french on your... title [?] I guess.)
I am a fan of description, so naturally I would acknowledge it. HA! I didn't even realize so many other people quoted it too.
I find description more important than making original characters. In the end they are just characters. But why have amazing characters in a bland environment?
Thanks guys for your awesome reviews! They're very much appreciated!
I didn't realize that one paragraph was going to be so liked.
Wow, you have quite a wonderful beginning here!
I am particularly fond of this paragraph.
Your pacing is nice in this piece, and amazingly I found nothing hard to understand. Usually, even in published books I sometimes find myself having to reread something to fully understand it. That wasn't the case here. For that I commend you.
*Here have a thumbs up*
-
*That angel is my signature*
Hiya! It seems as though you always have something to say about my works, so I though I would repay you. I am going to read all three installments of these and review for you.
So, I am not going to talk about plot much in this review. You obviously have something coming: I believe you have introduced the main conflict, and the main character (the lad of 16, am I correct).
What I want to talk about here is dialogue. I read books where the dialogue is sophosticated and seems to be what you are going for here. Books like Narnia and Alice in Wonderland.
So, I am going to help you out on that. Here I go.
I think this would sound so much better as “we have successfully forced them to retreat." I believe you are going for the proper-English, high class speak here, and the sentence I suggested would sound more approproite. Since you are writing a story with dialogue like this, I suggest you study up on it. Read books like the Narnia books, and you will get a feel of how kings, queens, and people back where I believe your story is set talked like.
Also, here, more sophisticated words are needed. I would write it something like this: "Would you like me to send out the orders of our retreat?"
I hope you get what I'm saying about the dialogue.
So "you mean" is not slang, but is not proper english, I don't think. I wouldn't say that here. Say something more like "You're implying that I must steal the Gem from Sothil?"
And remember through all of this to give them human characteristics. I hope you noticed that I emphasized "steal?" If someone asked me to steal something, I would put emphasis on the steal. Try saying things aloud if you are not sure how they should be written.
I really like this and an excited to read more!
Classy
Thank you for enlightening me Ranger
Tanya
Wow, this is a very good novel you have begun. I do have a couple of things I think I would have changed. First, try to give more information on the "kingdoms". I still don't quite know what is happening. Second, try to use better adjectives. I always love those! Besides that, I have one thing that has been bothering me. The story seems a little rushed. If you gave every detail on the three queens and whoever the spy was, I think this would have been a lot better. Yet, overall this was a job well done.
Congrats,
~Ryuichi
Ooolala! Very nice! You've got the medival talking thing down pat so no problem with that. I like your haracters and the seeming lack of a king, go feminists!
I love love love the title but you were a bit right with the cliche thing. This reminds me of so many movies and books. Hope that gets changed! PM me with the next part please!!!1
~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity
P.S Ignore the 1
Thanks guys-er, girls! Your reviews are really appreciated!
Tanya, to address your question, there are basically three kingdoms ruled by three different queens. Navé and Saron are enemies, and Jade is somewhat "neutral" (that's mentioned later on in the story). Both Navé and Saron want the Gem of Power, which is in Jade's land.
Hi Rh!
I just read this chapter and so far I enjoy it very much. It's an unusual beginning and I find myself wanted the next chapter, and then the next!
One thing confuses me though. You start by Queen Saron, then go to Queen Navé. When she -Navé- mentioned Queen Jade, I thought it was mistake, you know? Like Saron and Navé were bitter enemies and it would be about them. So what does Jade have to do here? I'm rolling with you here, because although I was confused, the story really intrigues me . . .
Going to review your next one now!
Tanya
Hey there RH! Here to review your story!
I'm not going to go into the grammar department, I think pretty much everything was said on that...
I thought the story was really good! I'm intrigued by the story and there's so much you could do with it; I'm excited to see what you come up with!
PM me when you post the rest, I can't wait!
Wow, I did not expect to get so many good reviews! Thank you guys so much, you honestly made my day.
I'll fix up the areas you mentioned and I'll let you all know when I post up the next part!
Thanks again!!
Hello, I'm WhiteTiger, or Tigress, and I will be your reveiwer today.
, there are a few things that I'd like to help with.
First things first, I loved your story. If I read this in a bookstore I wouldn't hesistate to buy it so I could keep reading. (; And I don't say that very often. Your plot and writing style was amazing.
However, yes there is always a but
The wording here is so plain, just average. It stood out against more of your more brilliant and creative lines. Maybe try...
The sun pounded mercilessly against her skin. It's heat radiated around her, filling her with power.
Something like that perhaps? I would just reword it.
I have to agree with LD. This is an amazing paragraph. My personal favorite. Very nice.
Again, it stood out because it was so ordinary compared to all your other lines. Maybe try...
Vergal's skin gleamed with sweat, accentuating the paper white of his skin. Nave made an irratated sound, grinding her teeth in reluctant agreement.
Again, not a very good example, but I hope you see what I mean.
Overall
I'm impressed. It was very good. I hope that my advice helps and I would offer more, but LD already said most of what I had to say.
Tigress
Hi RangerHawk
I really like this post and I can't wait for more. I can't see any mistakes that havn't already been poined out. Like I said, I like the story, especially the way you show the two rulers.
Can you PM when you put up more?
Midnightread
Why, hello thar. I am Light_Devil, or LD as some may know me, and I shall be your very own personal reviewer today.
And onwards we go!
Woah, first sentence and I am already confused. In red, this is a little confusing, I know how to read it, but I think "retreating" is the wrong word to use here. Maybe, you should use the word, "fleeing" instead?
This should all be in about three different paragraphs. The way it should look:
See?
Here as well. This should be divided into two at the "I can...".
Lovely!
Hmmm, regally may not be the best word here.
The way it should look. ^ (Up there.
In red, why was it not possible?
Fixed this up as another example of how it should look.
Oooh, this gave me shivers!
Overall:
Wow. I utterly enjoyed this. There were barely any info-dumps, all the knowledge was naturally blended in, and there are hardly any grammatical mistakes! I am positively intrigued by this. Honestly! Anyway, onwards we go, you appear to have this strange habit of not knowing that when there is a full stop at the end of a spoken part, then ext part needs to go to a new paragraph. If you clear that up, everything will be as right as rain and very good.
Hoped this helped.
Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.